Look, I don't judge. I don't care what you do in your free time, be it be above or below the moral code, but recently CIA Director David Petraeus' highly publicized extramarital affair proved how easily our secrets can come to light when we use the internet to conduct them.

As your friendly neighborhood tech guru, I feel it's my duty to point out where Petraeus went wrong, and how you can get away with it.Patraeus used fake Gmail accounts to have special horny time with his official biographer, Paula Broadwell. Unfortunately Broadwell also used her fake account to send threatening emails to another woman who set up military events. The FBI didn't take kindly to that kind of talk and started digging. Unfortunately, for Patraeus, they found his special horny time and exposed his affair.

So what did they do wrong?

Never Write About Sex Via Email

Be boring. If someone gets access to your email, they probably don't care who you are, or what you're doing. However, if they find explicit sex talk, they most certainly will investigate. Be boring and do the fun stuff in person.

Put Down the Keyboard

Everything you write is a permanent record of what you've done, or are doing. And if you piss her off, she can forward said email to everyone... including your spouse. It's better to just talk in person, or call each other on the phone.

Delete Everything

If you decide you can't live without email or messaging, delete everything often. Don't leave a trail.

Get a Special Email Account

Don't use Gmail. Everyone has a Gmail account now and that's the first place people will look for your dirty little secrets. Get an account at Hushmail, or one of the 'Net's lesser-known providers.

Use Text Messages and Speak In Code

You know how drug dealers get away with it? They text each other in code and finish their transaction in person. Adopt this same philosophy. You may text her "The Knicks are on at 9," but what you mean is "naked time at 9."

Don't Send Pics

This goes back to writing about sex via email. Don't send pics. Not ever. If you do, you'll see them pretty much everywhere in no time flat. Just don't do it.

None of these methods are foolproof. If you're stupid about your affair, you will get caught. The number one rule of thumb is don't be stupid.

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