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Drunk Lab Technician Conducts Pantsless Party Experiment With Monkeys

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There is rarely anything good that can come from a long night of mad science mixed with a half-naked booze hound, a couple of drunken monkeys and a late shift as a lab technician. Eh, maybe we’re just jealous.

That is what authorities say happened in Augusta, Georgia, where a 32-year-old lab technician from the Georgia Health Science University was found passed out drunk with his pants around his ankles after apparently springing a couple of monkeys from their cages and partying with the beasts all night in the lab.

While we are almost certain that debaucherous events such as this one is where most deviant strains of STD’s come from, a spokesperson from the lab says the only thing they can confirm is that two monkeys were in fact let out of their cages in the Animal Services Lab over the weekend. It is hard to say if the two monkeys were actually under the influence of alcohol as well, only because it’s extremely difficult to get a monkey to take a Breathalyzer.

According to a statement issued by the lab, “No animals were harmed during the incident, but the university takes the allegations very seriously. GHSU does not condone behavior that conflicts with the research, education and clinical missions of the university and employees are expected to conduct themselves, at all times, with integrity and respect.”

Campus police arrested Coley Oneal Mitchell, aka “Dr. Drink-a-Little”, on charges of being as drunk as a monkey’s uncle, even though he was not technically related to the primates.

Mitchell is currently sleeping it off in the Richmond County Jail.

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