Twin Falls Top Five Holiday Hates

This could just be a personal thing, but every time I pick up my parents at the Twin Falls Airport, I know exactly what they’re going to say.

“It’s such a small airport. Oh look corn fields. (Chuckles)”

No crap parents, I get it!  I live in a way smaller town than you do! Oh it doesn’t stop there.   I have them stay with the fiancé and I to save them money instead of getting a hotel.  So as soon as they get to my place, they talk trash about my crap-tastic couch, un-matching plates, and how much nicer my house could be if I would just decorate.  Don't you think I already know this?  Maybe buy me a new couch instead of getting me another Wal-Mart Gift Card dammit!

Last night while Heather, our resident part-timer was all a slumber with visions of sugar plums dancing in her head, her lawn ornaments were stolen right off her damn front lawn!  Damn Kids!  Actually, back-in-the-day, my friends used to steal lawn ornaments off an unsuspecting grandma's lawns and then drop them off on someone else's  lawn.  Why?  No reason!  If that's not bad enough, have you heard of Snowman Bashing?  It's when you go around and take a bat to Frosty's head.  Poor kids wake up the next day to find their Frosty friend mutilated.  Here's my plan to foil them:  Please note, this will take dedication, lots of coffee, and some nip, and a legal shot gun.  Honestly, no bullets needed.  This is JUST A SCARE TACTIC.  Here's what you do.  First, you buy a onesie.  Put it on and get your gun.  When you hear those damn kids on your lawn, you walk outside in your onesie, with a beer in one hand and a shot gun in the other.  If the sight of you doesn't scare them away, then you move to plan B and just call the cops.

I can't stand all the damn Christmas music everywhere.  Mostly, because back in the day I was in chorus.  Yup, I was a chorus nerd from Elementary School all the way to High School.  So every year, I had to sing the Christmas tunes and wear really stupid outfits!  So when I hear "Frosty The Snowman", it's not my fault I have a flashback of getting made fun of in school while wearing a cumber bun!  PLEASE NOTE: I don't mind Christmas music at Christmas parties or events or on Christmas Eve or Day, but that's it.  However, if you are not all humbug like I am, then hit up our sister station: KOOL 96.5, Thee Christmas Station.

I know this one will get me in trouble, but hear me out.  Here's why Santa is creepy: When I was a kid, my parents drilled this into my head; NEVER TALK TO STRANGERS!  So as soon as I have this "don't talk to strangers thing down, my parents take me to a stranger.  A stranger who wants me to sit on his lap, who wants to give me some candy, and who wants me to talk to them about what I want for Christmas.   So there!  Honestly, there's an old picture of me and my brother fearing for our lives while sitting on Santa's lap.  And darn, I can't find it.

Guess what? I don't care what you celebrate.  I'm NOT offended at all.  Celebrate on man! Hell, if you want to share your celebrations with me, I'm open to that too.  However, I really hate it when people start fighting over this.  If you want to say Merry Christmas, then go for it!  If you want to wish me Happy Hanukkah, cool!  Don't forget about Kwanza!  The point is, just be happy!  It's the holiday season, so enjoy it.  Stop fighting over what it is and just be.  Be with your family!  Because what I've realized is that yes, my parents are a PAIN IN MY ASS, but I miss them everyday and I wish they would just move here already (and some of my Florida friends too).  What you call the holidays really doesn't matter, it's what you do with them that matters.  So from me to you, Merry Christma-Kwan-Zica!  And have a happy New Year too.