Idahoans Don’t Need no Stinking New Year’s Resolutions

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I pledge that in 2023 I’ll stop keying cars with California license plates, though.  It’s an addiction and I may need treatment to uphold my resolution.

I pledge to stop running drivers from Utah off the road and to avoid any remarks about the liberals in Portland.  Maybe.

The last time I made a New Year’s resolution, I was in grade school.  One of my teachers told us about the tradition and asked about our plans.  We all thought we were being graded and shouted out an assortment of sins we invented on the spot.  It's a bit like wandering into a confessional, where you find yourself suddenly in need of something naughty.  I forgot to signal a right turn.  I did a double-take when I saw a woman in a tight skirt.  I said a radio caller was an ignoramus.  Am I contrite?  I hereby resolve I will quarantine to avoid future sins.  I’ll simply stay indoors and look on the Internet.  Everything should be fine.

It’s possible I could resolve to lose weight.  Judging by the price of eggs, it may be a safe bet.  Five dozen will set you back nearly 30 dollars!  But then I have friends who give me eggs they collect at home, and I haven’t had to buy a carton on my own in well over a year.  My sister sent me a box of salt-rising bread.  Literally, a big box, and my freezer is overflowing.  Because before the bread arrived, a lady friend gave me some king salmon, and I have enough chicken stored right now to feed a brigade.

I may resolve to pick up after myself.  Whenever I do this, I then will come home the following day from work and my roommate will have interfered.  He’s a 19-pound furry creature, and he gets on the counter and knocks my mail on the floor.  Last week, it was the bowl where I kept my spare change.  I could lock him outside and ignore him.  But just this morning, as I was getting ready to leave, he reached out with his paws and grabbed me and didn’t want to let go.

I resolve to maintain the status quo.  Or until the doctor, the boss, or the woman I saw in the tight skirt might tell me to stop gawking.  She may tell me to go jump off a bridge, which I resolutely won't do.  I do resolve to avoid liberals and veggie burgers, but what's new?