How California Movie People See Places Like Idaho at Christmas

Men, you’re going to get widowed for a couple of months. The Hallmark Christmas film season is coming. You’ll marvel at how a woman can watch the same story over, and over, and over again. They may think football is always the same, but I don’t know the outcome of a game until the final whistle. Unless I’m watching Carolina. The Panthers are out of most games by halftime.

I’ve seen a few of these predictable movies, having to sit in silence for 90 minutes to show my solidarity. Funny, they always talk during a ballgame.

Here’s how these chick flicks work. The girl moves to the big city. Girl can’t find fulfillment. The girl goes home for Christmas. Girl reunites with jilted high school boyfriend. He’s sweet and her father still believes she made a mistake. Dad is played by a Jewish guy from New York City. Like Henry Winkler. The mild-mannered Winkler, past retirement age, is a retired cop and can still smack down muggers. But he’s as nice as the old boyfriend.

The old high school flame drives an old F-150. An old F-150, as if automobile companies stopped shipping new trucks to rural America before 1970.

Credit Bill Colley.

An abrasive boyfriend from the big city arrives to celebrate Christmas. The girl is torn between a sweet old boyfriend and a wealthy self-absorbed jerk from far away.

The girl has the opportunity to open a local boutique and finally tells the jerk to leave. The movie ends with a girl riding next to her old boyfriend in a 1966 F-150. The people who write these things believe we don’t have new car lots. Jewish guys like Henry Winkler and Ed Asner go to church on Christmas Eve, but Jesus is never mentioned.

After reading my crib notes, why do you even need to watch another Hallmark picture?