The Commander doesn't see many movies, usually because I'm stuck in the Cobradome with Destro and the Baroness watching 'How I Met Your Mother' reruns on the DVR, but I hear there's a new Spider-Man film. Let's examine this so-called "hero" and his silly "spider powers."

Spider Bite

A radioactive spider wouldn't bite anyone. It would die. Now if that spider was genetically enhanced and carrying some sort of retro virus (like HIV), then maybe we would see some sort of spider like mutations. Probably not the kind that would turn Peter Parker into a superhero.

Wall Crawler

In the original Marvel comic, Spider-man can "stick" to walls because of some kind of molecular bond. In the Sam Rami trilogy Spider-man develops tiny, barbed hairs on his fingertips and toes which is A) gross, and B) unlikely to work. Unless those hairs are made of titanium, they aren't going to support Spidey's weight.

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Spider-Sense

The Commander has an issue with 'Spider-sense.' Reflexes so fast that he can dodge bullets? No. No spider has this incredible psychic ability to sense danger before it happens, otherwise there would be a lot less squished spiders.

Webbing

So many problems with this one... Spiders do not swing on their webs, and they certainly do not shoot them out of their wrists. If Spidey spun webs like a real spider it would come out of his butt! That would be a little less heroic seeing a guy in red and blue spandex firing webbing out of his arse.

Conclusion

While Spidey is undeniably cool (not as much as the hard boozing and womanizing Iron Man), his "spider" powers don't really make any sense. As often as the Commander kills spiders, one would think that someone would be able to squash Spider-Man by now.

Still, I would buy a $10 movie ticket to see Spidey spin webs out of his rear end and still somehow manage to web swing. He would have to use some sort of tubing system.

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