The Top 5 Reasons We Are Sick And Tired Of Top 5 Lists
I have decided that once and for all, I am tired of Top 5 lists. After Roadsnacks named 4 of our Magic Valley towns as "ghetto" and 2 others as "most miserable", I want to put an end to this once and for all. So, I bring you my own Top 5 list about why I'm sick and tired of Top 5 lists. Drum roll please.
5. They require us to use math skills.
Math is hard. I don't like math. There's a reason why phones now have calculators cause humans aren't supposed to do math for themselves. It's a rule. Top 5 lists make our brains start at 5 and end at 1 and it's just too much to ask out of a modern human being.
4. Most of the people that make these lists have never been to the Magic Valley
If you live in the Magic Valley and want to complain about how awful Blue Lakes is to drive on around 5 pm, fine. Or, if you have kids in the school system in Jerome and you're ticked. But, if you are a Kardashian or blog from your posh New York hotel room, don't make a list about us. There are some things you can't learn from Google and/or Wikipedia.
3. Nobody seems to ever put us in a good list
If you make all of your judgments about the Magic Valley from Top 5 lists, you would think we are a prison colony. Check this out. Roadsnacks came up with a Top 10 list of the best cities in Idaho. Notice something? That's right. Not one freaking Magic Valley city in the bunch. Does the fact that I would like to kick the crud out of them mean they are right to not put me on the good list? Irony.
2. Rock Chucks
We have rock chucks. Shouldn't that count for something?!? Out of all the Top 5 lists about Idaho, I've never seen any that factor in that we have rock chucks, so that means they're automatically wrong. Those city folk probably refer to them with that yellow-bellied marmot name. But, they're wrong. The fancy-pants city people in Boise should call them rock chucks cause they're awesome.
And, the #1 reason we are tired of Top 5 lists?
1. All Top 5 lists are made by some lonely barber in North Dakota
What do you do if you're a barber in North Dakota? Other than cut hair, you blog. In between shavings, he must think to himself - "Hey, I think I'll write something mean about Idaho now". He envies us because of all our southern Idaho fun. So, he tries to cut us down to the level of North Dakota. The good news is eventually the Feds will find the bodies in his basement and maybe then he'll leave us alone.